Author: James

Grace Passing

What was broken
on the day of gratefulness
could not be repaired.
Musing at the ambiguity of disfunction,
Oh, this arm only lies here,
this mouth does not speak.
Like a child investigating
an old toy rediscovered.
How quickly the broken
is accepted and made the most of.
As with the worn thin shoe.
We stay from habit, or is it gratitude,
Despite the road being felt
more roughly in our soles.
But it is the day of thankfulness.
Beyond passing lamentation,
We returned to the deep gaze.

Death wears bright colors.
The red of rose and cardinal.
Blue of Texas hills.
Yellow for forgetting.
Relax in the gentleness of her embrace.
Though starkly white of face
With midnight eyes,
Her colors point,
Like the flowers of the maypole,
To new life.
Through the gates she guards
The unimaginable awaits, perfectly
Prepared, designed and ready, for when
She takes your last gasp.

Why be Sorry.
Do I lament the dry orchid flowers
Lying on the coffee table
Knowing next year’s spike is already in preparation?
Life is transition.
Loss is a moment in a movement
Diving into Uttanasana the head must drop.
When loss has only a bitter taste
Looking deeply into it,
Fullness and wholeness are found.
As we know in the release of Shavasana
Always and Everywhere.

Know Can; Be Do

A friend pointed out that the etymology of the word ‘can’ is to ‘know.’ This is obvious in the physical realm, know-how is needed before I ‘can.’ In life at large this seems true as well, a certain gnosis, knowing from direct experience, is needed before one ‘can’ live a good life.

This reminded me that Gurdjieff said, “In order to ‘do’ one must ‘Be.’

These two brought up this:

It’s all God’s Will
Everything happens according to Law
To know is to can
To be is to do
Thus the universe maintains itself
Thus the Absolute recognizes itself
Relax in This.

Leaving and Returning Home

“Deep down in my being I am already what I seek. This is the impetus of my whole search. When consciousness is here, I realize that consciousness is me. I and all that surrounds me are the same consciousness. My true nature is consciousness.”
                                                                                                              Jeanne de Salzmann

After having recognized that “my true nature is consciousness,” and that it is always present when I wish to return to it, going away in the form of identification seems not really a problem and can even be enjoyable. While I know the wish to be present, in those periods of absence, perhaps I wished to go away as well. Though such a choice was probably not recorded in memory, it is still a possibility.

“It may be that the satisfaction I need depends on my going away, so that when I’ve gone and come back, I’ll find it at home.”
                                                                                                                            Rumi

I often decide to leave my physical home for trips, to nature or to visit loving friends. If “ … consciousness is me,” and “I and all that surrounds me are the same consciousness,” whether the ‘going away’ is a lawful deviation or a conscious choice is irrelevant. It is what had to happen, or, we could say, ‘it is God’s Will.’

So, it could not be a mistake, an error, or a failing. I have gone away. The only intelligent next step is to return, and celebrate it.

Really good vacations end just as I begin wishing I was home. Upon arriving home, I am struck and distinctly aware of the warmth, comfort and peace of being home. After a few hours, the direct awareness of being home fades but the warmth, comfort and peace remain without thinking ‘I am home.’

Similarly, when I have been away in identification, often there is first recognition of something missing, then a wish to return, to what, I may not be sure. As attention returns to Being, Awareness, there is often a strong experience of being home. Soon, the recognition of Being may become like the loving surroundings of my house, always present but not predominant in attention.

Perhaps, with practice and familiarity, I don’t need to leave my home of awareness to visit other domains. Deep thinking, even daydreams and intense emotions potentially can arise within the walls of awareness. Here the metaphor of the house breaks down. So, I may become like the tortoise, remaining within my home in all circumstances.

Then, wherever I am, physically and psychically, I am always Home and know that I have always been Home.

“When we know our true ‘I,’ something emerges from the depths of being and takes over. It is behind the mind. It is infinite, divine, eternal. We call it the soul.”
                                                                                                              Jeanne de Salzmann

Turtles, or whatever you call it

What is the real behind the façade?
What is the heart within the skin?
What is the essence of the person?
Mustn’t a reality include its parts?
So, despite appearances,
The real must envelope the façade.
The heart must subsume the skin.
The essence must be the person.

May we refrain from turning askance to the obviousness of the fact.

As the now tired joke goes,
It’s turtles all the way down.
See the hidden wisdom of this cliché.
Whatever word we use, it’s all the same
Everywhere, always, all the way
In every direction.

Sorry?

Why be Sorry.
Do you lament the dry orchid flowers
Lying on the coffee table
Knowing next year’s spike is already in preparation?
Life is transition.
Loss is a moment in a movement
Diving into Uttanasana the head must drop.

If loss is only a bitter taste
Look deeply into it with me.
Therein is fullness and wholeness
As you know in the release of Shavasana
Always and Everywhere.

Love and Death and Love

Sarjana moved to Carmel-by-the-Sea with a boyfriend in the fall of 1980. Shortly afterward, they parted ways and Sarjana came into a group of friends who lived in a shared house on Scenic Road, overlooking the bay and, to the north, the Lodge at Pebble Beach. Among this circle, Jo Anna had arrived there a year earlier along with her friend from Detroit, James. Jo Anna and Sarjana became fast buddies and were together much of that winter.

James was very busy through the winter. He was a waiter the French Poodle restaurant, a small 4-star dining room in which one sometimes found the famous residents of Carmel Valley, Doris Day and Merv Griffin, Clint Eastwood even. James also owned a window cleaning service and winter is the busy time for window cleaning on the central CA coast, when there are strong breezes carrying the ocean spray inland.

As spring arrived, James had more free time and joined Jo Anna and Sarjana in their adventures and hangouts. There were many drives south on Hwy 1 to Big Sur with lunch or just a glass of wine or tea at the homey Phoenix restaurant at Nepenthe or on the patio at Ventana with its breathtaking view.

Cleaning up after dinner together at Sarjana’s apartment, James pointed out that the glasses were not quite clean. Sarjana pointed out that a good dryer helps the washer.

In July, a Brit named Nicolas appeared in the larger group. Seemingly, overnight, Jo Anna and Nicolas were in love and planning to marry. What had been referred to by some as the Three Musketeers, became two.

Many afternoons found Sarjana and James together in the main room of the Scenic Road house, with its floor to ceiling windows watching the kelp harvesters and occasional whales in Monterey Bay. Sarjana often at the baby grand piano playing the Moonlight sonata with James next to her on the bench.

During the summer, Sarjana’s daughters visited her. Sarjana introduced them to all her new friends. Her ten-year old daughter recognized that James was a little more special to Sarjana than her other friends. There were other indications of her move in affection for him but they mostly went unnoticed, especially by James.

Some mutual friends were planning a long weekend trip to Yosemite with a cabin rental. There was room for one more. James asked to join in and it was agreed he would. Deposits paid, it was to be quite a marvelous trip. However, as the date approached, the other four friends planning to go had to cancel. Nonrefundable deposits paid and no one else asking to join the party … Are you getting ahead of the story yet? Yes, James invited Sarjana to join him in Yosemite.

They had a nice drive across the valley, listening to music and eating a picnic lunch with a scenic view. Arriving Thursday night, they found their cabin, settled in … and the dam broke.

When Love comes in
Heaven is visited
Love shall not be denied
Without tragic results.

A few weeks later, Jamie called home and spoke to his father. Jamie told dad that he thought he was in love and might want to get married. “Who is she?” “She is a good bit older, has two daughters, was divorced from their father.” Dad offered, “It would be wrong to marry a divorcee.” Recall that this is 1980. However, dad came of age in 1940 and made a commitment to raise his children as ‘good’ Catholics. He is a man of principles. Perhaps it is understandable that in this case, he left aside the principles that every adult gets to make his own decisions, and everyone’s decisions should be respected. This was not the first time he took this stand with a family member.

Love is All, therefore,
There can be no truly tragic results.

During the summer Sarjana moved into a mother-in-law suite in an unbelievable location. A large home and property on the east side of Highway 1 and the north side of Malpaso Creek. Clint Eastwood owns the property south of the creek and named his production company after it. This is five miles south of Carmel and is considered the northern edge of Big Sur. The property includes a deck on the edge of the creek’s ravine, with direct view of the ocean beyond highway 1. The property was owned by Garth, a retired Unitarian minister, who lives there with his wife. Although the suite did not face the ocean, Garth gave Sarjana free use of the deck. So, she often hosted her friends there. Now, James and she were often doting on it.

Although they told no one, friends gradually understood that Sarjana and James were together. Views on this togetherness varied, love affair, commitment, fling, big mistake. In short, some simply celebrated and appreciated their love, whiles others were understandably concerned for them – the age difference, James’ immaturity, lack of life experience, Sarjana’s somewhat desperate situation, virtually no income and some emotional instability. Sarjana and James mostly ignored all this, though it came into account when deciding how to proceed.

“What do you want?” Sarjana queried. … “I want you to be happy.” “Sounds like love, to me,” Sarjana pointed out. … “Do you want to get married?” … “Maybe we should” … Sarjana, not satisfied, “Do you want to get married?” … “I think we can move in that direction.”

Forgot to mention, Garth made a little extra money hosting weddings on his deck. Two friends who could be trusted to appreciate this ‘direction’ and keep a secret were selected to be witnesses. Patricia, who had her own somewhat secret love affair going on, and who’s boyfriend was, conveniently, a jeweler. And, Francis Kalnay, an Hungarian writer in his 80’s. Much should be said about Francis and how he is friends with people his grandchildren’s age, but not now.

The wedding took place on a Thursday afternoon with Garth officiating, Garth’s wife, step-daughter, who provided the cake, Patricia and Francis in attendance. The newlyweds had a nice dinner in Big Sur, returned to the Malpaso: Hwy-1 suite and hibernated.

Monday, they resurfaced and listened to phone messages. There were several from Jo Anna saying James’ mother was trying to reach him, seemed urgent. James called mom. Dad had died suddenly while jogging in a local park.

Quickly, he arranged for a flight to Detroit. Elizabeth, she decided to revert to her given name at this intersection, drove him to the airport in San Francisco. They decided he would not tell anyone in his family about the wedding, though their friends now all knew.

In Detroit, Jamie slept in his parents’ bedroom. Mom slept on the couch as she could not climb the stairs. Though the situation was discomforting, no overt troubles arose. James spoke with Elizabeth daily.

It is notable that dad was given a funeral mass at the parish church. There had been doubt about this occurring because, despite his Catholic forthrightness, dad had not been baptized as a Catholic. Why he did not accept baptism remains a mystery. So, he was not officially a Catholic. Mom appealed to the parish priest to allow dad a funeral mass. The priest agreed saying, “I learned many things from him about how to be a good Catholic, of course we will give him a funeral mass.”

After the funeral, at a diner with mom and brother, Frank, mom mentioned that dad had been disappointed that Jamie was not the ‘good Catholic’ dad had raised him to be. The comment passed almost like ‘hope your flight goes well tomorrow,’ would be expected to, “Thanks mom, I hope so too.” It is not clear if dad had told her Jamie was considering marrying and Jamie had no inclination to investigate the details.

James had learned as a very young child that he needed to keep silent what was most important to him. Others’ sense of morality only applied if they knew about one’s actions or thoughts. In private, only one’s own judgement is relevant. This created a habit of emotional reserve and timidity. It also supported a personal strength to stand alone.

Back in Carmel the following week, James wrote a letter to mom to let her know he was married. She responded graciously by letter with a gift. A few months later, mom and Frank made a trip to visit James and meet Elizabeth. It was a pleasant visit.

Forty-plus years later, James and Elizabeth remain together, still in love. James is still critical of Elizabeth’s dishwashing but has learned to help the washer. Mom passed a few years after dad. James appreciates the love he received from both his parents yet lives with some regrets that their relationships could not grow into open and accepting maturity. He tries in his meagre ways to let them know he loves them.

Between thoughts, there is Eternity.
Thought, Eternity, thought, Eternity-Love.
Love, thought, Death, Love …

Addendum: Elizabeth began showing signs of dementia around 2014. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in Dec. 2016. James retired in Jan. 2018 to be with her full time and they moved to the Houston area to be close to Elizabeth’s daughters and granddaughters. On Thanksgiving 2024 Elizabeth had a massive stroke. Left with right side paralysis and the cognitive impact of Alzheimer’s, recovery was not possible. A few days later she stopped swallowing. Two weeks after the stroke she passed.

Death does not come for the living.
What lives nevers dies.
For Being is always and non-being never is.